Long Time Dead
by banishing gun
Summary: Death is commen in the world of rock n' roll. Can Sanzo find something to hold onto? Occurs after the journey West. Rated for yaoi i.e. guys together, angst, suicidal tendancies, alcoholism, mentioned drug abuse and character death.sorry about all that
1. On With the Show

**All characters belong to the awesome Kazuya Minekura**

**I can never quite decide how happy I am with this fanfic, I don't know whether sometimes I've made the character's too OOC. I also think maybe sometimes its gone so far into angst territory its become overblown. Please give me your thoughts**

**Finally for anyone who's interested, the version of this story with the sex scenes left in is on mediaminer, under the same title**

'Long Time Dead'

'_And I never felt so lonely_

_Got the feeling I can't shed_

_And it might seem like a premonition_

_But you're a long time dead_

_Gonna be a long time dead_

_Misery the devil's in my head'_

_L.A. Guns-Long time dead_

Sanzo took a deep drag on his cigarette, the end flaring brightly in the near darkness backstage. He was thinking not for the first time about how the hell he'd got there. In a few minutes Ikkou would be going on stage for another of their now legendary shows. He'd never really thought far beyond fulfilling his mission and once his task was complete he'd felt left with no where to go. All he knew was he wasn't ready to return to the temple, not yet anyway. Just as Gojyo had joined them initially because he'd had nothing better to do Sanzo was now staying with the party for the exact same reason, it beat being alone, though he'd never admit it to the others.

He dropped his cigarette to the floor, scrubbing it out with a booted foot he slowly strummed the strings of the black Fender Stratocaster that hung around his neck. He thought of the other band members, the inexhaustible Goku beating the hell out of the drums, Hakkai keeping the music together with his bass lines, just as he stolidly held the band itself together. Gojyo holding the frontline, a born performer making all the men want to be him and the women want to fuck him. He sighed deeply and began to reach for another fag when he saw the others approaching.

'About time' he hissed in annoyance.

'aww come on Sanzo we're keeping the crowd on edge, building it till they want us bad enough' the incorrigible kappa grinned slyly at his guitarist as he swept past him and towards the stage.

'I'm hungry'

'Come now Goku you only ate an hour ago' chastised Hakkai

'Drumming takes a lot of energy!'

'You should try taking the workout I get every night, and then there's the whole performing on stage thing too'

'Shut up Kappa! I don't wanna know!' yelled the youngest band member. Gojyo turned, fist raised but stopped when he saw the look on Sanzo's face.

'I don't give a damn about the monkeys hunger or your own sordid appetite. If you don't get on stage in the next ten seconds you won't get on stage ever again'.

Shooting a final discreet glare at the monkey king Gojyo opened the door and the noise of the crowd seemed deafening. It reached a higher crescendo as the red haired singer made his way onto the stage, punching his fist in the air and radiating raw sex for all he was worth. Goku bounced past him and settled himself on his stool, sticks spinning in his capable hands. Flashing a quick smile at the priest Hakkai joined the others.

Sighing deeply to himself Sanzo made his way into the glare of the lights. A fresh scream broke from the crowd but he paid them no heed. He enjoyed playing guitar, it gave him some kind of release and he could get enjoyment from something predictable and reliable like his instrument knowing it wouldn't turn on him or cause difficulties.

Though he could pour his emotions into it and they'd come out as white hot screams it had none of its own to interfere. He got more than enough attention from the female fans but he wasn't interested, not like Gojyo who was of the opinion he'd died and gone to heaven. People were too complicated, and the groupies shallow attitudes and flirtatious manner just annoyed him.

Gojyo eventually tiring of bathing in the fans adoration introduced their fist song and Goku began beating out the rhythm. Sanzo closed his eyes, feeling rather than hearing the deep thrum of Hakkai's bass. He brought his pick down on the strings of his guitar, letting himself fall into his music, playing with all the aggression he used to deal out to his enemies. His guitar let forth a tortured scream and time stopped as reality melted away.

XXXXX

The show was over and the fans had long since filed off home, except for the select, or not so select few that Gojyo had persuaded to come back to their suite to celebrate with him. Goku was stuffing his face and Hakkai was as usual immersed in a book. Sanzo could never understand how he did that, went from the adrenaline and raw power of being on stage to calmly reading a book. Then again he couldn't talk, he coped with alcohol and lots of it.

He was never drunk on stage but as soon as they were back at the hotel he had a bottle in his hand, normally whiskey. He glanced morosely down to see his current bottle was nearly empty. Across the room Gojyo was busily chatting up the latest batch of girls, not that he had to try very hard. Downing the last of the booze Sanzo got unsteadily to his feet and headed for his room If he were lucky he might get to sleep before the moans and screams began to issue from next door.

Hakkai worriedly watched their old leader slowly stagger out the room. He was worried about him, he was going to drink himself to death at this rate, he couldn't remember the last time the priest had gone to bed sober.

XXXXX

Sanzo lay on his back staring at nothing, thinking of nothing, trying to block out the sounds form next door. Gojyo was apparently giving the girls a night they wouldn't forget in a hurry. He couldn't care less, except when it stopped him sleeping. Then again he didn't sleep too well these days anyway.

He swung his legs of the bed and reached underneath it for his guitar case. He never let the roadies transport his instrument, never let it travel with the other equipment. He reverentially picked it up, running his pale hands over the shining black lacquer that reflected the tiny bit of light that slipped through the curtains from the street lamps outside. The guitar had a custom finish, skillfully painted bullet holes with ragged edges made it appear as if the guitar had been victim to a drive by…or Sanzo's temper.

There was a tentative knock on the door followed by its opening and a pretty blonde pushing her head through. She pouted at him and began to cross the space between them. Her slinky walk came to an abrupt halt as the priest picked his Smith and Wesson from the bedside table and fired a shot into the door frame centimeters from her head. With a high pitched scream she ducked out the room and disappeared along the corridor. Placing his gun and guitar back down Sanzo moved across and shut the door. He knew he shouldn't have done that but he didn't give a damn, Gojyo could keep his whores to himself.

He sat back on the edge of his bed, picking up his gun and slowly filled the recently emptied chamber with a fresh bullet. He snapped the cylinder shut and stared at the weapon in his hands, remembering his motivation for having chosen it all those years ago 'it's the perfect size for me to put a hole through my skull at anytime'. The Orange light from the streetlamp reflected dully off the worn metal. The cold weight of it in his hands was comforting and he contemplated the feel of it against his temple and the ease with which he could pull the trigger. Too easy. He laid it back on his table and instead reached for his guitar.

XXXXX

The priest had the top floor suite to himself the next day as the rest of the band members went to a signing to promote the release of their new album. They were playing the same venue again that evening and with nothing to do Sanzo resorted to watching television. The lack of anything related to the band was a relief, Hakkai must have once again pacified the petrified girl that had flown from his room.

He was getting quite good at it. 'If you at least locked your door they couldn't get in in the first place' the quiet man would scold him but it was he who always handled the press, stopped there being more lawsuits filed against Sanzo then could be helped. Gojyo's protests that his friend from another band had said at least eleven court cases were needed to make a band went unheeded. The television did little to distract him and he spent the next few hours pacing around the bands rooms like a haunted man, occasionally stopping at the window to gaze down at the fans clustered outside the hotel, waiting for just a glimpse of the band.

His life wasn't his own anymore, if he wanted to nip out and buy cigarettes he simply couldn't unless he wanted to be mobbed to death or spend the next five hours signing autographs or rather avoiding signing them. It had occasionally been like this when they were on their mission for the sutra but Sanzo felt it was somehow more understandable then. They were trying to sort out Shangri La and bring peace to the world, combating the threat to people's lives. Now they did nothing at all and people were clamoring for them, it was pathetic.

He opened yet another packet of cigarettes and quickly lit up, inhaling deeply and trying to clear his mind. He wished there was something more productive he could do to pass the time. Arranging himself comfortably on the couch he opened the papers, hoping there'd be no mention of the band. He began to read, blocking out the world. Living the rock n roll high life sure was fun.e wished he could do somthignheheHirvnfwhifhnehghtgjcjvj

XXXXX

The show had gone well that evening, another sell out and half the kids in the audience having already attended the night before as well. Gojyo lapping up the hero worship as usual, playing to the crowd. Strutting back and forth wailing into the microphone or using his deeper, rougher voice. Alternatively serenading the fans or telling them to get lost, to pick up their weapons and fight the powers that be or live in peace together. Then there was that song about food that Goku had written that was surprisingly popular. Sanzo just hated the mixed messages and the falsehoods, he came up with his own riffs but refused to contribute even one word to the lyrics.

He just played away, sullen as ever. The papers alternated between judging him as cold and detached or a sexy loner depending on how they were feeling and who they wanted on side. So fickle. The crowd was responsive though all he could see beyond the glare of the stage lights was a single writhing mass. He never could understand how Gojyo saw through to the crowd in order to make eye contact and truly drive the girls wide.

Goku practically destroyed a drum kit every show, he didn't really care about the crowd he just liked playing and got over excited. No one knew how Hakkai felt about anything, a true enigma his feelings (if he even had any) were locked deep inside. This was where the mighty Sanzo had got to, playing shows with a bassist more suited to the library then the stage, a barely tamed pubescent and a man so up his own ass it was a wonder the girls could get down there. Why did he even bother?

XXXXX

'I'm taking Goku out to get something to eat'. Gojyo looked up incredulously 'at this time?'

'I told you cockroach drumming is hard work, I gotta eat and I'm sick of the hotel food, plus they never give me enough'. The youngest band member bounced off down the corridor towards the lift.

'Watch out for the press' warned Gojyo

'We're only getting some food, I'm sure that's not too fascinating'

'Smokes' interjected Sanzo before glancing down at the near empty bottle in his lap 'and whiskey'. Hakkai left the apartment muttering under his breath about skivvies, following Goku's impatient shouts for him to hurry.

'That was harsh you know Sanzo, Hakkai didn't deserve that, you're equals, we're not your supposed 'slaves' anymore, we ain't even your subordinates now'. Sanzo's violet eyes fixed on the red of Gojyo's.

'You aren't surrounded by your normal pack of whores'

'stop changing the subject'

'And for future reference don't take the liberty of sending them round to mine when your finished with them' Sanzo watched his band mate's face, expecting to see his brows come down and anger line his handsome face but it didn't happen, there was something else there though, concern.

'We're worried about you Sanzo, you've just fallen to pieces. You barely talk except to demand fags or booze. You're drunk every night, not that I have that much of a problem with that but it isn't making you happy. I hear you at night playing that damn guitar, you never sleep.'

'I can still play guitar can't I? That's what's important for the sake of this goddamn band isn't it?

'No Sanzo your important, not just the fuckin band. At this rate you're going to kill yourself.' The priest suddenly laughed something Gojyo had never heard before and never wanted to hear again. He'd never heard such a mirthless laugh, totally devoid of human emotion except perhaps for mockery. Then the part youkai suddenly realized the significance of it.

He sat in silence his mouth open in shock, he got to his feet and moved across the room towards the priest, his eyes never leaving the intense purple of the guitarist's.

'You've thought about it haven't you? How close have you friggin come? Thought about it? Held that damn gun in your hand, placed it to your own temple?'

'Why the hell is it any concern of yours?'

'I care about you!' Gojyo broke off, embarrassed, 'the whole band cares'.

For the first time Gojyo saw the mask slip, saw the anguish in Sanzo's eyes and it scared the shit out of him, he seemed….empty. Sanzo sighed.

'It's fine for you! You like being in the band, you're a born performer, your getting the respect you never had before because your taboo, you have those women screaming out their love for you'. Gojyo scoffed

'You think they love me? Even if they did I wouldn't want their love, its just sex, besides maybe that there's someone else I love.'

Sanzo failed to pick up on the deeper meaning of the kappa's words, didn't see the look in his eyes or the unusually serious nature of his expression.

'Then aren't you the lucky one' he sighed bitterly 'I haven't known love since my master died, and I never will again, it's not worth the effort' he paused slightly, staring into the middle distance, his eyes looking at nothing. 'It's not worth the pain'.

'You know love doesn't always equal pain Sanzo. You've got to allow yourself some feelings, there what makes us human'.

'I can't believe I'm sat having a heart to heart with you of all people.' The priest shifted as if to get to his feet 'I hope you at least find happiness with whoever it is you've fallen for'. Before he could get to his feet Sanzo found himself held back by Gojyo's hand on his arm.

'In that case' said Gojyo softly his wine red eyes focused intently on the purple of his band mates, holding him in place with his gaze. He leaned forward and his lips brushed Sanzo's cheek, ghosting down to his mouth where he planted a gentle kiss. He felt the cold metal of the Smith and Wesson resting against his temple. The part youkai pulled back but didn't remove his hand from where it rested lightly on the priests arm.

'What the fuck was that' Sanzo's voice wasn't at all heated, he barely sounded angry but the coldness was far worse. Smart mouthed replies came to Gojyo's mind but he decided that saying them while a gun was pointing at his head would be a decidedly un-smart thing to do. 'Get your hand off my arm' the voice dripped with menace but Gojyo knew he had to push this, he hoped Sanzo wouldn't kill him, he'd likely maim him but hopefully not kill him. He had to drive this point home.

'I'm not messing around Sanzo, I'm not going to fuck you over.'

'Get your hand off my arm'

'We traveled together for months, I stepped into deflect attacks from you countless times, I saved your life and you saved mine. I stopped you from falling to your death, isn't that proof enough that I won't drop you now? I've been there for you through all that, and you were there for me, I won't let you fall! For once in your life can't you let someone else help you, let yourself rely on something other than your gun?'

Silence stretched between the two young men, Sanzo's purple eyes boring into the half demon.

'Let go' the priests words were punctuated by the click of him cocking his gun. Gojyo relinquished his grip, casting his eyes down as the monk stalked away towards his own room. He leant back running his hands through his hair. There had to be some way of getting though to the miserable bastard and his motivation wasn't purely altruistic. He hadn't been able to take his eyes off the beautiful young man lately and his deepening concern about the monk's state of mind made him realize just how much he cared about their past leader.

XXXXX

Sanzo's heart was still racing as he made it into his room and slammed the door behind him, a solid barrier between him and Gojyo to replicate the barrier in his mind that blocked out his emotions. Only it wasn't working just now. All he could think of was the touch of the damned kappa's lips on his own and the sincerity in those warm red eyes. He closed his eyes and leant back against the door forcing his breathing to steady. He opened them slowly and his gaze slid to the still cocked gun in his hand. He raised it to his face, staring down the barrel, that single unblinking eye.

XXXXX

Gojyo was opening a fresh bottle of beer when he heard the gunshot, the bottle dropped to the floor, smashing and sending its contents washing around the youkai's feet. He sucked in sharply and spun round, sprinting towards Sanzo's room, thoughts rushing through his head. He practically ripped off the door handle in his haste, flinging it open he stumbled into the room. Sanzo stood with his back to the door, his smoking gun still leveled at the mirror, or what had been a mirror, its surface was now pocked and cracks radiated from a single bullet hole.

'Shit Sanzo you scared the crap outta me! And that's seven years bad luck' he added flicking a finger at the broken mirror and trying to keep the shake out his voice, his legs felt weak. He tried to pull himself together noticing for the first time that his friend's shoulders were shaking uncontrollably. A single sob escaped the priest and it was an even worse sound than his earlier cynical laugh.

Gojyo had heard the screams of men dying, demons in agony, the tortured cries of innocents but this was somehow far worse. This sudden emotion from a man who better resembled a wall. A sob that was so pitiful and so much a cry for help.

He stepped forward and slowly, giving him chance to resist, folded the monk in his arms. Sanzo just seemed to collapse, turning round and folding against the red heads chest. Golden head bowed, body shaking from the sobs that racked his body. Gojyo just held him, not knowing what to say or do. He wasn't good at expressing his emotions in words, his speech of a few minutes ago having taken all he had. Sanzo solved the problem for the both of them. Tilting his tear stained face upwards his eyes stared unblinking into the depths of the half demons. He seemed to find something there that satisfied him. He raised his hand to the kappa's cheek, marveling at the warmth of the blush that spread beneath it.

Their lips locked together as Sanzo moved his hand from the singer's cheek, slipping it around the back of his head, entwining his slender fingers in the red of Gojyo's hair, pulling him closer. The kappa had never felt such need in a single kiss, the heat of Sanzo's lips and the gentle pressure of the fingers against the back of his head.

He tensed with surprise as he felt the priests tongue slide along the seam of his lips, looking for entry. He slowly opened his lips and the blondes tongue slid against his own with an urgency that shocked and aroused him. He'd wanted Sanzo for so long, even if he'd only recently admitted it to himself and he had to restrain himself from guiding the monk back and throwing him on the bed.

The guitarist had his own idea's, throwing his gun to the side he clamped a hand on each of the lapels of Gojyo's denim jacket and pulled him forcefully back until they both tumbled onto the bed in a jumble of limbs. His fingers tugged fiercely at the kappa's clothes, wrestling him out of them while trying not to break their kiss. His mind was blank and strangely peaceful, in complete contrast to his demanding body that quickened with every moment that passed and every time he touched Gojyo's burning flesh.

The kappa savored the soft lips of the normally unyielding priest and the feel of his cool fingers against his skin. He began to unbutton Sanzo's shirt, baring the taught muscles of his chest and sending erotic thoughts chasing through his mind, so what if he was a pervy kappa? Both of them craved more contact and the warmth of the others skin. Sanzo's hands dropped lower, fumbling with his belt and trousers. Gojyo smiled at the need he'd awakened in the violet eyes and he swiftly dropped his lips to Sanzo's neck. Gently but insistently he sucked at the skin, bringing the blood to the surface, branding his new lover. He moved lower, his eager lips ghosting over pale skin, Sanzo squirmed and for the first time in a long time he let himself go.

XXXXX

Sanzo was angry with himself, he couldn't justify his actions or why they felt so right. What felt alien to him was that he had enjoyed not just the fuck but the fuck being Gojyo, this disturbed him more than he liked to admit. His passion spent he didn't want this time to end, he was content just to touch Gojyo's warm skin, to lick the salt of his sweat and feel his body pressed against him. The kappa folded his arms around the vulnerable blond, gently kissing him and savoring the smell of his hair.

With sudden urgency the priest leapt to his feet, snatching a blanket up to cover himself.

'Get out' he hissed with a vehemence that shocked and hurt his new lover.

'Geez Sanzo, way to make a guy feel used'. The monk leaned in and planted a lingering kiss on Gojyo's eager lips.

'We don't have a choice, the others will be back any minute, your rooms on the other side of the main suite, there's no possible excuse for you being over here.'

Though he hated it Gojyo could see the obvious truth in the words. Grumbling to himself he collected his scattered clothing and hurriedly dressed. Sanzo hovered nearby, idly playing with the gun he'd retrieved from the bedside.

'Don't even think about it anymore Sanzo, I know you're a bastard but I'm sure even you wouldn't leave me hangin after that. We'll find time together away from the monkey and Hakkai.'

Gojyo opened the door and the two came together for one final kiss, warm breath and hot lips. As Gojyo pulled away, looking down into the blonde's eyes he was relieved to see some of the tension gone, some of the distance. For the first time in a long time Genjyo Sanzo was looking out though those eyes. A noise in the main corridor sent the kappa sprinting across the living room bringing a rare smile to Sanzo's face as he then turned and nonchalantly walked back to greet Hakkai and Goku. 'I had meat buns! Lots of em' and beef and…'. The eager monkey's voice was cut off as Sanzo shut the bedroom door behind him.

He looked across to the bed, messed up by their love making and he smiled. Loving Sha Gojyo was going to be hard, keeping it a secret from Hakkai not to mention the music industry was going to be harder still but the young priest knew it would all be worth it. He had something to hold onto now, someone to help him and he was finally ready to accept that help.


	2. Breathing Room

Getting a little alone time, or rather together time, was almost impossible in a rock n' roll band on the road. Smoldering looks and discreet gestures, the occasional brushing of arms or the stroking of legs beneath a communal table their only interaction. It was driving them both out their minds though they continued as normal. Sanzo as sullen and forbidding as ever. Gojyo incorrigible, hitting on even more fans than usual if that was possible.

The priest didn't resent the kappa's 'working with the fan base' as he referred to it. He knew it meant nothing, he'd felt the mans breath on his face, had seen the look deep in his eyes and felt the love in his touch. He knew nothing the red head did with the groupies would take away from what they had together. Then again the fact that Gojyo knew this to be true in a way that gave him the 'cat that got the cream look' was slightly annoying.

Since Sanzo and Gojyo's first encounter the band had moved through several venues but they were keeping a tight schedule and had failed to spend more than a single night in any location. Long days were spent on the road, albeit in the luxury of their tour bus. The normally tolerable company of Hakkai and Goku becoming more of a strain with every passing hour. They both knew what had they had was worth waiting for but it didn't make it any easier.

XXXXX

Sanzo stared at his face in the bathroom mirror. The tired circles beneath his eyes were fading, he'd been sleeping much better since his discussion and…'quality time' spent with the damn cockroach. He turned on the tap but froze when he heard a knock on the door. 'Get lost, if the room were free the door would be open moron.' Sanzo knew his voice had easily carried through the thin wood but seconds later the knocking resumed. 'Whoever's out there must really want to become a corpse.' The knocking came again and this time the priest switched off the water and turned to open the door and see who actually had a death wish.

As soon as he'd slid the lock back the door was forcefully pushed open and a tall figure slid round through the gap, immediately shutting the door behind him. Sanzo's anger cooled only a little when he realized it was Gojyo who'd disturbed his ablutions. 'You seemed to be taking an awfully long time in here, thought you might want a hand, maybe someone to scrub your back?' smirked the demon.

'You fool!' hissed the monk angrily 'Hakkai and Goku are just next door, don't you think they might wonder where we both are?' At this point the kappa's smirk broke into a full blown self-satisfied grin.

'Told them I was going out for smokes, even went and banged the apartment door so they'd hear me leave. I can be very quiet when I need to' The priest sighed, sure there was probably some flaw with Gojyo's thinking but unable to see it right now, more concerned with the sight of the part youkai's bare flesh as he slowly stripped.

'Fancy a shower? I don't know about you but I get really hot on stage.'

'I'd say you're pretty hot all the time.' Gojyo paused in his little strip tease, amazed that such a comment had passed the monks lips. Ahh his lips, the priest had such a sexy mouth, those full lips always pressed together, set in a line of seeming distaste, distrust or disgust. Pretty much any 'dis' when it came down to it. Those lips were just begging for some attention. Gojyo leaned forward, pressing his naked torso against that of the shivering monk, raising his arm to push his fingers through the bright gold of Sanzo's hair. He pressed their lips together eliciting a small sigh from the blonde who swiftly opened his mouth to Gojyo.

They broke apart and the red head lent to the side to whisper in a shell like ear, his voice thick with lust. 'I'm gonna fuck you hard and fast against the wall, any objections?' Sanzo's lips curled up in a slight smirk.

'You better make a damn good job of it'

XXXXX

Sanzo accepted one final kiss that tasted of cigarettes and Gojyo before he opened the door and slipped out the shower. The two men dried themselves in silence and swiftly dressed. 'I'll go first' whispered Gojyo, his voice still sounding impossibly loud after the heavy hiss of the water. 'I'll slip out the apartment then make a fuss coming in.' Sanzo nodded, his stomach knotting in apprehension as he watched the red head leave.

He couldn't imagine the excuses he'd make to Hakkai and particularly Goku who so looked up to him if they were discovered. Hell he didn't even know the excuses he made to himself in order to get round the sordidness of what he did with the stupid cockroach. Then again it felt so right. When he wasn't with Gojyo he felt dead. As if when he'd looked down that dark tunnel of his gun barrel some part of him had been killed, like he lived now only for what he had with Gojyo. And even in his state Sanzo knew there was something terrible and dangerous about being so consumed and lost in another.

XXXXX

Sanzo sauntered into the main room of the hotel apartment, still rubbing his damp hair with a towel. Gojyo was already sprawled on the couch, a cigarette dangling from his lower lip. Sanzo sat stiffly at the table, sliding a Marlboro from his pack and lighting up, savoring the first bitter taste.

He carefully observed Hakkai but could see nothing in the other mans expression that suggested he suspected a single thing. As far as he was concerned Gojyo had been out buying Hi-lites, the proof of which he was now smoking. For once Sanzo was pleased by the rain that served this time not to depress him but to excuse Gojyo's straggling wet hair. It also dulled Hakkai's senses as he was locked in his own memories, paying little heed to the affairs of those around him.

Sanzo relaxed, picking up the days paper he flicked idly through it, keeping half an eye on the kappa. Damn he looked hot with a cigarette hanging from his lips like that. Gojyo caught him in the act and smiled slightly putting all the more effort into smoking his stick with as much style and appeal as he could muster and he knew that to be quite a lot. Sanzo flicked his paper irritably and blocked that smile from his mind. When they got to the next town he'd have to have a word with Gojyo, something he was certainly looking forward to doing.

XXXXX

It was almost half two in the morning and Sanzo couldn't sleep. His thoughts were a mess, half formed ideas and imaginings tumbling over each other in a frenzy that refused to give him peace. Gojyo was at the centre of almost all of those thoughts, of all those questions. Why did the stupid pervy water sprite continue their relationship? What was in it for him? He could have any woman on the planet and probably most men so why him?

The red head was undeniably a beautiful man, inside and out. His personality was raw but it was that energy that made him so alluring, so vivid, that made all others pale in significance to a boring shade of grey. Beneath his coarse behavior and lewd actions there was a heart of gold, to use a jaded expression. Gojyo was fiercely loyal and would die protecting something that mattered to him. Personality and heart aside his handsome angular face, fiery hair and eyes and lean muscled body were surely enough of a lure for any mortal. And then there was the way he fucked. Sanzo appreciated his opinion might be a little biased but even so.

He rolled over, pulling the bed clothes higher round his neck with a sigh. Sha Gojyo was amazing, why the hell was he kicking around with some mentally screwed priest. Sanzo had never really been able to see his own beauty. He saw his hair as blonde not gold. His eyes were unusual but was purple really a colour suited to a man? Sure he kept in shape but so did an awful lot of other men. Only through the admiring glances of others had he learnt to appreciate his own looks but he knew he was a shell, empty. His eyes reflected so little of his soul, his mouth gave away so little of what he was thinking, he seemed so often to be emotionally dead.

There was the anger, he smiled ruefully, people always noticed the anger. Anger at a past that had twisted his future so badly he could barely see the road. In Sanzo's view it wasn't he who was the golden sun, but Gojyo. A fiery sun that showed him a road he couldn't find on his own and that he'd found certainly didn't lie at the bottom of a bottle. He saw no reason why Gojyo should accompany him on the dark path through his soul, he wouldn't wish that on anyone.

He reached up and ran his fingers through his hair. He knew what he had to do, it was going to be hard but for the first time in a long time he found himself caring about someone enough to sacrifice everything. He had to give up Gojyo, not give him up but rather let him go. He couldn't chain such a wild spirit to his own, it was wrong and he wouldn't drag such a beautiful soul down with him. Sanzo had never been under any illusion of his path, it had always been a descent since that day when his master had died, hell probably before that time.

Some people had seen in his eyes a demon, others an angel. Sanzo had often thought on this in the dark hours of the night, he alone knew what he truly was. A falling angel, a true demon, his fall had been the fall of a lifetime and when it ended he wasn't taking out anyone else with him. From the day he was born til the day he died, the only side he'd be on was his own. And his side was a one man team.


	3. Long Time Dead

Gojyo sensed the door opening rather than heard it. He smiled to himself, unable to see Sanzo approach in the dark, everything left to the imagination, and the erogappa's imagination was _very_ good. He ran his tongue lightly over his lips, sighing slightly at the prospect of his lovers kiss. It never came. Bed springs creaked and he felt the mattress go down under the priest's weight. He rolled into the depression but was surprised when he found Sanzo to merely be sat on the edge of the bed, fully clothed.

'Sanzo?' The silence stretched out with nothing to fill it but the two men's shallow breathing. Finally Sanzo broke the silence, his voice cold and flat, deader than Gojyo had ever heard it before and far more disturbing.

'It's over Gojyo, I can't do this anymore and you shouldn't have to'. Gojyo's brows came down in thought, trying to figure out the cryptic meaning of the monks words but his head was empty except for the echoing words 'it's over'.

'No. No, you can't just blow me off, you can't just reject me like that!' The red head pushed himself up on his elbows, a frantic hand reaching for the priest's shirt, rubbing the pale fabric between his slender fingers.

'What have I done?' The part youkai's voice was strained and thin, as choked with emotion as Sanzo's was devoid of it.

'You haven't done anything, you're not to blame. The failing of our agreement is my own fault, not yours'

'Agreement? What the fuck are you on about?! It wasn't an agreement, how can you make it sound both sordid and emotionless at the same time?! Gojyo raised a shaking hand to the blonde's cheek, only to have it swatted away.

'I love you for fuck's sake!'

'No you don't, I've been a distraction for you, nothing more. Do yourself a favour and forget about me. I'm leaving tomorrow, you'll find yourself another guitarist easily enough'.

Sanzo swiftly got to his feet, moving toward the door but with demonic speed Gojyo was on his feet and blocking his path. Strong hands gripping his elbows as he forced his lips against those of the priest, amazed to feel the wetness of tears on Sanzo's cheeks. He poured all his emotion into that kiss, not just the burning passion but the caring and the love, the deepest and most meaningful kiss he'd ever bestowed on anyone, man or women. This kiss wasn't lust but adoration, worship and love. Sanzo pushed him roughly away, a growl resounding form deep in his throat.

'Get off! You're better off without me!' Finally his voice had cracked, giving away his true emotion and Gojyo seized on it.

'See Sanzo? You want this as much as me, why deny yourself? I need you for fucks sake!'

'You don't need me. I'm the last thing you need!'

'I won't let you leave you bastard, why are you doing this to me? Sanzo's fist flew out, smashing full force into the kappa's jaw and snapping his head back.

'I'm saving you! Can't you see that!'

He was screaming now, raw emotion tearing his vocal chords as his fist flied out again and again, striking the red heads face and chest. Gojyo never even raised his hands in defense, taking blow after blow until he saw his opening and wrapped his arms around the shorter man, pulling him to him and refusing to let him go.

Not for the first time Sanzo broke down in his embrace, tears wetting his shirt and mixing with the blood that dripped from Gojyo's chin. The ruby stains matching perfectly his eyes and hair.

'I have to go' whispered the guitarist brokenly, I can't tear apart your life as I have my own'

'Don't you see? You're what keeps my life together?'

'I'll drag you down!'

'You hold me up! Stop being such a selfish bastard. I won't let you leave, and I never will. If you run from me I will find you, the only way you could stop me would be to put a bullet in my brain and maybe even then I'd come after you'.

Sanzo lay still against his chest, eyes clouding in thought, his mind miles away. Gojyo reached down to press his bloodied mouth against the monks unresisting lips. Sanzo pulled back

'You taste of blood'

'And who's fault is that' Gojyo smiled a little, his knee's still feeling too weak, he couldn't believe how vulnerable the damn monk had made him, he'd never needed anyone before. Sanzo licked at the swiftly drying blood and guided Gojyo back to the bed.

This time it was the kappa who stilled his lover's hands. 'No more talk of leaving?' Sanzo shook his head slowly, his eyes still far away.

'I'm going nowhere'. Their mouths met, hot and urgent with the iron tang of blood. Gojyo's hands tangled unconsciously in the blonde's hair and Sanzo's pale fingers stroked down the kappa's muscled torso and gently spread his thighs.

'I love you Gojyo and I swear I'll never leave you, I'll always be right by your side.'

XXXXX

The sound of a gunshot woke Gojyo from his exhausted sleep. His eyes flew open and he was upright before he'd even had time to think. His heart had dropped to his feet and he could feel tears tracking down his face. He knew in that first moment, as he stood in the first shafts of dawn's sunlight that he was too late. He'd felt a thread in his heart snap and a part of him wither. On leaden feet he left the empty room and moved across the corridor to Sanzo's door.

He didn't bother knocking, dead men didn't answer doors. He slowly turned the handle and let himself into the room. Sanzo lay on the bed, his body composed, his eyes shut. Blonde hair lay against his pillow like shimmering gold and for the first time Gojyo saw the angelic countenance, flawless and untwisted by anger or disdain. His alabaster skin paler then ever but for the crimson blossoming from the bullet hole in his head.

He waited for the loss to hit him but it never came, no sudden rush of emotion, he'd already felt it. Like a punch to the gut when he'd first woken up, now he was numb, but he knew what to do. He approached the bed and slowly scooped up the Smith and Wesson from Sanzo's nerveless grip. Raising it to his temple he closed his eyes, the image of Sanzo peaceful in death etched on his eyelids. Without even a sigh his finger eased on the trigger and the empty room echoed to its final metallic click.

XXXXX

Gojyo's eyes slowly opened, his gaze resting on the white wall before him. He lowered his arm and his gaze shifted to the pistol in his hand. He snapped open the gun to reveal four empty chambers, a spent bullet casing, no bullets. He cast around the room for ammunition, careful to avoid looking at what had been Sanzo. He slid open the bedside drawer to reveal nothing but a piece of note paper, a piece of note paper with his name on it.

_Gojyo_

_I know you may never forgive me for this but I don't need your forgiveness, what I need is for you to live your life. I guessed you'd come looking for bullets and therefore find this letter but if you kill yourself now I'll never forgive you. One of the first things you ever asked me was about you hair (which is beautiful by the way). You've always been hung up on the fact you're a child of taboo, a cursed life, but my life was the cursed one. _

_I arrived at the temple with nothing and I never found a place for myself in this world and I never strived to. I have been falling my entire life and I wasn't taking you down with me. In your arms is the only place I've ever felt at home, you've given me my happiest memories, but that's all they are, memories, and that's all I should be to you. My only dying wish is that you continue your life as Sha Gojyo, the incorrigible rebel and that you find the lasting happiness you could never have had with me. I regret nothing. Make sure Hakkai keeps an eye on Goku for me, I don't think he'll ever understand this but my fate was sealed years ago when I first chose this gun. _

_I love you Sha Gojyo, never forget that but move on, live your life free from everything and bound by nothing. _

XXXXX

Sha Gojyo never spoke to anyone of Sanzo, he sealed off those few short weeks, far too few weeks of his life as a private chapter. He never experienced those emotions again but he never felt their loss, he felt privileged to have ever felt them at all. Though countless others told him the words 'I love you' in a variety of situations they never had the same ring to them. It brought a smile to his face just thinking of the words issuing from Sanzo's mouth. He had burnt the letter left to him. He knew Sanzo wanted him to sever all ties and the note would have been just that, a tie. He was also well aware of all he'd suffer from Sanzo if he ever let another living soul see Sanzo's written proclamation of love.

Sometimes late at night he questioned whether he'd killed Sanzo, whether he should or could have let him walk away that last night, the state both of their souls would have been in had they parted. Would Sanzo have killed himself that night when instead they'd first kissed? Would he have continued his half-life, drinking himself into the gutter or slowly killed his body with drug abuse? Gojyo knew that he would never know what could have been but he did know he'd made the priest happy, if only for a short time.

The band continued and most fans forgot the first guitarist. Life went on for all those involved and though Gojyo felt a part of him had died it was a part he could live without, a part he could cherish the loss of so long as the loss was to Genjyo Sanzo. If he said he didn't understand Sanzo's talk of a lifetime fall he'd be lying. He knew the first time the corrupt monk had come knocking on his door, sighting at him along that damn gun barrel he'd known from the look in those purple eyes that he was a man so clearly a long time dead.


End file.
